Love your mistakes, love yourself

This month’s FemCentral writing prompt was, “My Favorite Mistake.” I will be featuring the prompt responses today through Wednesday. Please show your support for the brave women who are sharing their “mistakes” with us.

Sylvia van Bruggen
Playful Soulwork – Play your way to a joyful life!

I love making mistakes. Making mistakes comes with walking this awesome path I am on. I do stupid things. I falter. But every time I do, I know that I will get up and be stronger.

I didn’t always feel this way, though. There are plenty of mistakes that made me feel a plethora of emotions, sometimes such shame that I got red to the tip of my ears. One of my mistakes lasted for years. It is now my favorite.

I rolled into being a network administrator by pure chance. I simply applied for a job. They had one computer, an IBM with two 5 1/4 inch disks and an amber monochrome screen. After a while, there came more computers, and I became the go-to tech girl.

My job took me to great heights but I was truly unhappy. I really didn’t fit in with the IT crowd, but I loved working with people and helping them fix their problems.

Then it was 1998 and I was done. I had developed a severe case of RSI and my body just said, “no more.”

My favorite mistake landed me into sick leave and all of a sudden I rediscovered myself. I discovered my love for writing. I began to create art again. I rekindled my love for writing poetry and thanks to a writer’s block, I discovered play, which now is my path in life.

Through my mistake I learned what the absolute opposite of the work I love to do is. I still am happily geekish, but that’s all that I want to keep with me from the job I once did.

I am who I am thanks to my mistake.

Kim Laroque
Muse in the Valley – Northward Bound

The last thing I wanted to do was walk to his house and beg him to come back to me; to convince him that we were good together; because I knew it wasn’t the truth.  Yet, in my insecure attachment, I went anyway.

This was the ending of a very good story. A story of how, in a moment of whimsical lust, I ended up with my favorite mistake.

In late 2004, I was entering the neighborhood bar as I usually do on the weekends the children are at their father’s.  I sat quietly, alone, drinking my beer in this empty place, thinking to myself, “It’s going to be an early night. Nobody is here!”  However, I loved my “free” time so I sat at the wooden table on the wobbly chair and had a beer while perusing the crosswords.

He sat not far from me, drinking his beer, watching me. Our eyes met a few times and then he came to my table.  We started off talking about the weather, I guess. I mean we live in Canada, and in Canada weather is the first thing one talks about with a stranger. I do not remember the rest of our conversation only that I was already mesmerized by this man and wanted to get to know him more.

We decided to take a walk after the 3am last call.  He walked me home, and I didn’t want to leave him yet, so we sat on the wooden stoop in front of my house and talked. Somehow my head ended up on this shoulder right after his arm went around mine.  We sat in silence.

The next day, he called and invited me to his house to “hang out.”  I showed up promptly on time, not realizing that girls should be late –  just a little.  We sat in his room, and listened to old 80’s tunes. Then all of a sudden the world spun abruptly making me feel 15 years old (although I was almost 39 and him 45) We went back in time for the whole evening,.listening to Toto and Frozen Ghost. With Africa playing in the background, he kissed me and butterflies fluttered and hormones raged. It was time to go home.

For 6 weeks after that night, when I was with Ian, I was a teenager.  He was a magician, a musician, a rock and roll star!  He played piano, and his eyes lit up like a 7 year old when his fingers touched the keys. He was also troubled, drunk, and far from someone I wanted to bring home to my parents!  Yet I continued to see him a a regular basis. And oh, the feeling I felt when he said one evening, “Wanna be my girlfriend?”  OH YES!!!

We partied for almost 5 weeks straight. I was having the time of my life. And the sex!! It was amazing!  Of course, my favorite mistake was a Scorpio (like me), so we understood each other on a passionate level so much so that we were just crazy about each other.

But what begins fast, ends quickly too!  One, day, after feeling his detachment for a week or so, he brought me into his kitchen and told me it was over – that he wasn’t good enough for me; that he wasn’t good enough for my children; and that he would just wreck my life!  Of course I was in denial giving all the made-up reasons of why we WERE so good together and that we could make it work.

For days, and maybe even weeks, I sat at home listening to his music and crying my eyes out. How could this be? I was having so much fun!

One morning, on MSN, he messaged me that he was out of coffee.  Being the kind person I am, I went to the grocery store and walked 10 minutes in the cold freezing air to bring him some. This was the day I begged for our “relationship”!  I cried so much that he started to feel sorry for me; however, that did not deter him from pushing me away.

When I walked out the door to go back home, I quoted a scene from my favorite movie, Love Actually. I said out loud, “Enough! Enough now.”

My favorite mistake was Ian, and I will never forget how, for 6 weeks, I felt carefree and wild.  He brought this out in me.  I am woman. I am free. I am allowed to have fun!  However, I also learned that I am worthy, and loveable, and I do not need to beg for love when the love I have is right inside of me.

When I think of Ian today, I always have a huge smile of my face.  He may have broken my heart for a week or two, yet he left me with a sense of self that can never be taken back.