Are you willing to take imperfect steps to become more successful?

The last in a three part series of excerpts from The Worry Cure: Seven Steps to Stop Worry from Stopping You by Robert L. Leahy, clinical professor in psychiatry.

The Power of Choice: Three Questions

• What is my goal?
• What do I have to do to get it?
• Am I willing to do it?

When I ask you, “What is your goal?” I am referring to what you want the outcome to be. Perhaps, your goal is to lose weight. But, it’s not going to happen unless you make it happen. Ask yourself, “What do I have to do to get it?” In order to lose weight you have to decrease your calories intake and increase your exercise.

This means that you will have to be uncomfortable. It’s not the end of the world, but it actually involves your answer to this question: “Are you willing to do what needs to be done? Are you willing to be uncomfortable?”

What will you be able to do if you are willing to do what you don’t want to do? How will you be able to face the things that you are worried about if you can consistently do what does not feel good? Doing what you don’t want to do means making a choice to do it.

You might say, “I need to be ready” or “I need to have the motivation” or “I need to know that it will work out.” If these are your guidelines, then you will not do what needs to be done. But, in fact, every day you do things that you are not “ready” to do, for which you lack motivation, and about which the outcome is uncertain – say, at your job, when you got to a meeting you don’t feel ready for, don’t feel particularly motivated to go to, and don’t know the outcome of. How did you do it? You made a personal choice.

Personal Choice Table

What is my goal?                              Lose ten pounds.

What do I have to do to get it?   Increase exercise and decrease caloric intake.

Am I willing to do it?                       I’m not sure. I like cake and I don’t like exercise.

Conclusion                                          Maybe I won’t lose weight.

Try the personal choice table for yourself. Ask yourself if you are really willing to pay the cost to make things happen. Are you willing to make that phone call to the friend who you think might be unhappy, or approach someone you want to get to know better, or complete some work that you are putting off, or see the doctor?

Successful Imperfection

The next step is to become successful at becoming imperfect. Success will mean carrying out behaviors that will not have a perfect outcome. It means progressing through imperfect steps. Every imperfect step you take forward will take you in the right direction. For instance, you don’t have to become an Olympic athlete to lose some weight – you just have to get out there and start exercising.

Perfectionism makes you worry in order to find a perfect solution. Perfectionism can also be the source of procrastination. You may think, “What’s the use of exercising today? I won’t be in shape tomorrow.” You don’t need perfection – you need progress. You need to become successful at being actively imperfect on a daily basis. Commit to the behavior now – not to having the outcome at your fingertips.

Ask yourself if there are some things that would be a step forward toward your goal. Let’s say that your goal is to lose weight. Would you be willing to do any of the following: walk fifteen minutes more a day, give up one dessert, set aside 20 percent of your food and not eat it, keep track of what you eat, and give up an evening snack. Each step is imperfect. Are you willing to take imperfect steps to become more successful?

Constructive discomfort

A great deal of worry is an attempt to avoid anxiety or other unpleasant emotions. The same thing is true with procrastination, the avoidance of discomfort. In order to do things that you do not want to do, you will need to change your attitude toward discomfort by making discomfort your goal. You will not make any real progress unless you are uncomfortable. If you procrastinate, then you are a ‘discomfort dodger,’ constantly avoiding things that make you uncomfortable.

Let’s take a look at your attitude toward discomfort. Do any of the following sound familiar to you?

• I cannot stand being uncomfortable.
• I should wait until I feel ready.
• I shouldn’t have to be uncomfortable.
• I’ll just run out of energy.
• This discomfort will go on forever.

Your initial instinct is to avoid discomfort, but by pursuing uncomfortable (but healthy) behavior, you can learn that things that you thought were going to be uncomfortable at the 95 percent level for two hours might actually be 25 percent uncomfortable for fifteen minutes. Overcoming low frustration tolerance and learning how to build resilience will require doing things that are uncomfortable.

You may learn that discomfort is not as bad as you thought it was. By committing to doing what you do not want to do – by choosing to do things that you need to do in order to get things done – you will find that there is less to worry about. In fact, worry is always about the future – about what might happen. By confronting the things that you are avoiding, you may find that what you worried about is now in the past. It’s something that you finished – one less thing to worry about.

You can make progress by embracing successful imperfection and by seeking out constructive discomfort. You may learn that discomfort is not as bad as you thought it was – it can lead to a sense of relief and even pride.

Summary

Acceptance is the opposite of worry, since worry is a struggle against what is real and what is possible.  As you give up your frustrating worry and search for the answer to unanswerable questions, you begin to surrender control. As you give up the demand for the truth or the answer, you recognize that what is in the  here and now – what is in front of you – is the place to start from. Once you have accepted what is, you can then choose to commit to change. Change does not mean doing what you want to do – in fact, it usually means doing what you don’t want to do. Change and progress in your life involves successful imperfection and constructive discomfort – doing what you have been avoiding because of your worries.