Have you lost your voice?

For a while now, whenever I see someone else doing what I’m doing with FemCentral, I tense up. My whole being contracts. My mind chatters, “If I’m not unique, not the only one doing this, I should just quit.”

I know, logically, that it’s good when there are people doing what you are doing. This indicates there is a market for your work, or at the very least, an interest in the subject.

I know, logically, that different people “match up” differently. There are different tastes and preferences. You love your personal physician but your husband can’t stand her, and sees someone else. You like Pizza Hut; I like Papa John’s. Speaking of food, just look at how many fast food burger restaurants can be in one location – McDonald’s next to Wendy’s next to Burger King.

This “logical” knowledge has not helped my tension.

Oddly, I do not tense up when I come across other astrologers. And, c’mon, there are a LOT of astrologers out there. The tension mostly comes when I see people addressing the Divine Feminine.

I’ve been assuming the tension was coming from my ego, and have been chastising myself for being too egotistical.

This doesn’t exactly help my anxiety either.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to get to the bottom of all of this by trying a “free writing” exercise (inspired by the work of Natalie Goldberg). When free writing, you don’t think about what you’re going to write; you keep your hand moving; and you don’t worry about spelling or punctuation or grammar. Goldberg writes, “We live in the realm of second and third thoughts, thoughts on thoughts, twice or three times removed from the direct connection of the first fresh flash.” The point of free writing is to get to this “fresh flash.”

When I used free writing to get to the bottom of why I tense up when I see other people doing work similar to mine, here’s what I got…

Am scared others will crowd me out lose my voice I’ll conform be like everyone else thyroid voice gone must be different Individuality Individuality I am ME not you me don’t wanna be like you Please don’t make me lose myself, don’t force me can’t I live in peace by myself why why must I conform who am I I am lost when I am the same must perform my function my duty my job don’t subsume me, silence me I want to be HEARD, I am unique I have something to say for you for me Don’t make me be the same please, don’t force, rape, force subjection, beaten, no I am not like you can’t be won’t be don’t make me please. Don’t make me do this I am not one of you No not me.

Whew. I started sobbing uncontrollably during this exercise. Completely unexpected. Past life or early this life – I am clearly traumatized by not being heard at some point in my existence; by being forced to “go along” and conform. I had a need to differentiate myself because I did not want to be associated with the majority. I disagreed with what they were doing and saying.

Also, from this exercise, it became clear that I did not understand myself very well.  I was “consoling” myself with arguments about business and chastisements about my ego. Paradoxically, the source of my tension was a fear of not being heard, and I had not been listening TO MY OWN VOICE!

Is it, unfortunately, common for women to lose their voice. Beverly Engel writes, in her book Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself, “By the time many girls have become women, they have already lost their voice. They have learned it is better to keep the peace than to speak out and risk rejection, humiliation, or retaliation. They have learned that many men assume that what a woman has to say has no merit in the first place and that their words are to be tolerated but not taken seriously. And many have been taught that when they do speak up in a relationship they are considered ‘nags’ or ‘whiners.’” According to Engel, finding your voice may mean:

• Finding a better way to communicate needs and desires
• Being able to speak up when you disagree instead of remaining passive
• Finding a way to say NO!
• Learning to say YES! – to stand up for what you believe in, to assert your right to do as you please, to find the courage to live an independent life, with or without a relationship
• Speaking the words of anger, pain, fear, guilt and shame that you’ve repressed or suppressed for years
• Discovering a way to communicate your beliefs, your deepest feelings, or your ideas about how to improve your environment, the world, or the way women are treated in the world [BINGO for me!]
• Participating in politics, social action, or protest
• Engaging in creative endeavors

There are many different ways to go about finding your individual voice. Voting is one. The free writing exercise that I did is another. Find more in this previous post that featured Ms. Engel’s work.

However, “Do not judge yourself if your attempts don’t bring you immediate success, but remember that each attempt on your part will bring you that much closer to finding your voice and your inner strength. Even seemingly unsuccessful attempts will cause you to feel better about yourself if you just give yourself credit for trying.”

This, I believe, is the source of wanting to “give up” when I see other people who are speaking a similar truth to mine. It’s very difficult, when you’ve lost your voice, to send it out into the world. You fear criticism and ridicule. When your statements are not immediately embraced, recognized, accepted, and acknowledged, you (well, I, anyway) want to quit and be quiet.

The process of finding your voice is gradual, an evolution. When I go back to old FemCentral posts, I’m amazed at how much my voice has matured. And, in writing this post, it has only just now (like, right this very second) occurred to me that I needed this website in order to become a writer, the calling I’ve had since I was born. Not only do writers need an online platform (at least, according to most agents and publishers) but a writer also needs a distinct voice. Through FemCentral, I’ve finally found it!

If you would like a safe place to test out your voice, please check out the FemCentral writing prompts. It’s free to participate, and you may post anonymously. I’ll be posting the next prompt in two weeks (Thanksgiving week in the US). In the meantime, read some of the amazing past submissions.

And, please, feel safe in leaving your thoughts and comments on any FemCentral post.