Body Language: The Silent Communicator

This week, I am excerpting sections on “assertiveness” from Feminine Warrior: A Woman’s Guide to Verbal, Psychological & Physical Empowerment  by Al Marrewa.

Body language is more powerful than the spoken word.  It includes your walk, your posture, eye contact, facial expression, and overall appearance. How you feel about yourself and your surroundings is reflected in how you carry yourself. Your body language will tell others if you’re strong and secure, or anxious and uncertain.

Even though you may be feeling anxious in a particular situation, you can use your body language to give just the opposite impression. Body language is sometimes a form of acting; you can use it to “play the role” of a fearless and self-assured person. This does more than discourage potential attackers. The more you pretend to be confident, the more confident you’ll actually start to feel. Stay alert, hold your head high, keep your back straight and your stride deliberate. Those who communicate confidence and self-respect with their bodies are less likely to become victims of violent crime. Harassers and attackers tend to avoid this kind of person.

Your body language can also help you in everyday life, such as during a job interview or a stressful confrontation. In any situation where you want to appear confident, assertive, and in control, here are some examples of the right and wrong body language to use [getting the formatting to look right on this is much harder than it should be!]:

Do                                                                                    Don’t

Sitting well back in your chair                                      Perching on the edge of your chair

Sitting up straight                                                            Leaning forward

Facing the other person                                                 Turning your body away

Keeping “solid” and still                                                 Fidgeting; shifting from foot to foot

Making direct eye contact                                            Looking down or away

Keeping a calm expression                                          Rapid blinking; pursing or biting your lips

Keeping your hands relaxed                                       Playing with your hair or jewelry

Giving a firm handshake                                              Giving a weak handshake

Speaking up                                                                       Mumbling; speaking too softly

Taking your time to speak                                            Speaking too fast; interrupting

Filling your “personal space”                                       Try to look “smaller”

(slouching, rounding your shoulders, crossing your arms, etc)

When you’re feeling confident, confident body language just comes naturally. It’s in situations where you’re nervous, uncertain, or afraid that it becomes an effort, a real act of will. Nevertheless, assertive body language can be a triumph of perception over reality: while feeling nervous and afraid on the inside you focus on what you’re communicating on the outside.

Anytime you communicate verbally, pay attention to your body language.

Moving in the Right Direction: The Power of Stepping Forward

Most of us are accustomed to stepping back when someone enters our personal space. Sometimes this is just good manners, as when we make room for others in a crowded elevator. More often, it’s an instinctive response when our physical boundaries are violated.  Yet this same response will undermine any verbal resistance strategy. It signals fear and weakness, something you never want to do.

Step forward and you retain your power. Step backward or step aside and you give your power away. It’s that simple. It’s no use ordering an aggressor to “Back off!” if you’re backing away as you say it. You’re sending a mixed message: the words are there, but the body language implies a lack of conviction. As I stated earlier, body language is more powerful than the spoken word. It’s crucial that you hold your ground and deliver your message with power and confidence. Stepping forward makes this possible.

Keep one thing in mind: don’t step forward with just one foot, leaving your other foot behind. Always stand squarely on both feet when facing an aggressor.

I recall the account of one of my Boston students, who, after exiting a subway, was approached by an unsavory character with a bad attitude. Recalling her training, she turned towards him, took that all-important step forward, and delivered some choice words not fit to print! It worked like a charm. Put it all together. Step forward and assertively deliver your message. That’s how you retain your power.

The best way to master this strategy is to incorporate it into your daily life. The next time you find yourself in a friendly dialogue, take a step forward and see what happens. Chances are, your listener will register mild surprise, but he’ll pay more attention to what you have to say. But if you’re locked in a confrontation, stepping forward can shift the balance of power in your favor. Your listener may even take a step back. You’ll find yourself feeling more confident and empowered. And with time, you’ll begin stepping forward naturally and instinctively whenever the situation calls for it.