Ok, I’m in full-on freak out mode. When I still had my 8-5 job and had not even conceived of FemCentral, I read Eckardt Tolle’s A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. In it, he explains that his intuition led him to give up his academic career, move to California and write his first book, The Power of Now. He hadn’t quite finished the book when he ran through his savings. He went and bought a lottery ticket, and won enough money to live on for the next month.
Of course, knowing what I now know about the publishing industry, I have trouble believing he had an agent, publisher and advance within a month of finishing his book. But, that’s not the point of his story. The point was that he followed his gut, and everything worked out for him beautifully. He’s now a bestselling author and known around the world (and was a regular on Oprah).
Want I REALLY want to know, however, is what his state of mind was like in the middle of the whole thing. Did he ever doubt what he was doing? Did he freak, just a little, when the money ran out? We always hear these kinds of success story AFTER the person has achieved success. We know how the story of struggle ends.
But, are there people who followed their dream, and the money DID NOT FOLLOW (to question Mr. Campbell)? Certainly, we hear about them every day. The aspiring actress who never quite makes it. The over 50% of new businesses that fail each year. Why does it work for some and not for others?
Physician, Heal Thyself
I’ve been discussing manifestation on here a hell of a lot lately. Did you wonder if I was trying to convince myself of anything? It’s easier to have faith and follow your heart, when there is an income coming in. I’ve been blessed to have unemployment for a long time now. But, that ends soon. I’ve been blessed to teach online for 7 years now. But, the university is cutting back on the number of classes that an adjunct can teach. I’m looking at a winter where I have no idea where the income is coming from.
FemCentral has been bringing in a monthly income for over a year now, mostly from astrology readings. Some months are stronger than others. I haven’t been at this long enough to recognize trends, and no one in my family is a small business owner, so maybe I’m doing great for where I am in this whole online entrepreneur thing. I have no idea. All I know is that, at this stage, the money is not consistent or sizeable. (One of my long-term goals is to secure sponsors.)
I started FemCentral because I was laid off from my job, there were no jobs to be had anywhere, and I’d just read Crush It!: Why Now is the Time to Cash in on Your Passion by Gary Vaynerchuk. I had a background in building informal education programs and a passion for women rights. Gary V makes an excellent argument for making money off of consistent blogging. But, even he emphasizes that it takes hard work and time. I’ve put in the hard work. I’m still putting in the hard work. How much time it will take, I have no idea.
Unexpected Benefit
Actually, right after I was laid off, but before I thought up FemCentral, I declared I was going to use my “free” time to finally write that novel I’d been trying to write, since I was 9 years old. I’m not sure how much I really believed that. I had not exactly had a love affair with writing over the years. I was constantly being summoned to write, but it was always painful and laborious. The only thing I had published was a Master’s Thesis.
Then, I got caught up in FemCentral and web design and blogging and SEO and marketing and the whole novel idea when out the window….until I posted Lucy Burns as “woman of the week” on her birthday in July and ended up feeling called to tell her story.
I recently finished Publish Your Nonfiction Book, and the authors emphasize the importance of an online platform in securing an agent. They even go so far as to say that an agent may reject you, tell you to go build a platform, and then, come back to them. I had never even heard of a writing platform before reading this book. But, I’d say that FemCentral is an excellent platform for a book about a woman’s rights activist.
I’ve even noticed that FemCentral has been a writing teacher for me. I started off simply posting links to resources, or excerpting a paragraph here and there. I would not even blog about a topic but would post a Vlog instead! But, I slowly started writing and then, writing some more. This platform has allowed me to share and get feedback. It’s increased my confidence. Even the act of typing out excerpts from other people’s books has taught me much about other writers’ syntax and structure and form.
I am amazed at how dedicated I am to posting something every, single day (except Saturdays). I sometimes wonder where the dedication comes from. It’s currently 8pm on a Sunday evening, and I’m tired from running around all day. But, I am committed to getting this post out. And, that’s the kind of dedication a writer needs. She needs to practice her craft daily. This dedication will also serve me well when I move from the research to the writing phase of the Lucy Burns’ book.
Another success story I often think about is JK Rowling. I’m sure most writers do. I went off in search of exactly how many times Harry Potter was rejected (12) and found this quote,
Failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy to finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one area where I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realized, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter, and a big idea. And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. – J. K. Rowling, Harvard commencement address, 2008.
I see the Divine (or manifestation – which, to me, is the same thing) at work in how this site, and my focus, have evolved. For all my planning on how to become a Writer, it seems to have happened without me even realizing it.
It’s not always easy
I know that I can place my faith in the Divine. But, as someone who is smack in the middle of the “struggle” part of her story, I want to say that sometimes FAITH IS HARD. I don’t think we hear that enough. We hear lots about the success and glory and roses but little of the sweat and tears and sleepless nights. I’m giving each of us permission to have a healthy FREAK OUT every once in a while. This doesn’t mean we give up, or that we even wallow in freaking out, but we can acknowledge that we are human beings with human fears. And we can let it all out!
In fact, I invite you to freak out in the comment section below, if you like. Let’s all freak out together!
11 Comments
by the way, I don’t know if Inuit or native American is more correct than Eskimo. I’d heard it was, but then I heard they’d reclaimed’Eskimo’ and now it was a pride sort of label.
But I meant no offense. Please correct me if you feel otherwise
thanks jennifer and all responders.
i realized i got myself so sick this month (fibro flare? sinus infection? ran out of meds and didn’t care…couldn’t care…)
It’s like you pray for rescue and gods send you an eskimoe. The 12-step wisdom goes, in your cups/self pity/tunnel vision, you will REFUSE the eskimoes assistance and die of exposure.
why?
because the gods are coming to help you. The point is, when you get to heaven god (singular) comes in with the punch line at the pearly gates: ‘what? I sent you an Eskimo!’
And I always thought that was clever. Till this past weekend when the only question was ‘to be or not to be’ and I honestly couldn’t give a single answer. I mean, what if I took the Eskimos hand and LIKE EVErY TIME BEFORE he dropped me on the ice and left me WORSE off?
True pure faith requires utter non-resistance, like mercury at a 1000 degrees below zero — when it physically or chemically loses all resistance and will crawl UP and OVER walls all by itself.
Those books give you an expectation that you take 7 healthy steps and TA DAH! I’m FREEE! yeah, right. It makes no sense. Otherwise, there would be ONE book. We would all read it ONE TIME.
And we’d all be CURED.
I’ll tell you when it’s available at amazon and promise to give my friends on Jennifer’s website a discount if she gives me a link…LOL hey– if the book is THAT good, no royalties. It’ll be on U-tube, in libraries, copied and recopied.
No sequels. No growth. No change. Maybe that’s why the Bibles, Koran, Taos–none of them quite do.
I’m battered and tired by the pinballs in my own head.
Seriously, thanks for sharing your dread.
There’s no one answer, and if there is, it’s probably wrong. If you meet the Buddha, SHOOT HER. She’s dangerous and probably a FRAUD.
LOL hang in there, not up there…
Hi, I love this blog. I am in a similar space in some, not all, respects. I am exploring having faith in the universe as well.
In my very helpful Pisces North Node emails from you, a recurring theme is that we need to realize that everything is unfolding exactly as it should. That’s sometimes very difficult when facing uncertainties about how to feed your child, pay rent, etc.
I’ve also been taught that we chose to be here right now, and that it is an honor to be here at this time, when so much is changing in the world. Also, that we chose the lessons we would learn in this lifetime before we arrived. I have faith & trust in these teachings.
Jennifer, I’m certain you & your son will be OK. I will too.
It’s helpful to know that others share my feelings, and I feel better when I remember to change my thinking to all the above teachings.
To life!
Hey Jennifer,
As you know I’ve been freaking out since I took a huge leap of faith back in March and it didn’t turn out how my ego thought it would go. Lately I’ve been examining all my leaps of faith, which my negative preconditioning stubbornly tries to slap the lable of “BIG FAILURES” on. Yesterday I went to a family function (I’ve been avoiding them ever since I came back from my lastest leap of faith out to Arizona). The entire time my ego kept telling me how I should be embarassed, ashamed, valued as a piece of shit, and so on. After taking a long drive I realized that those kinds of thoughts and additude about myself only keeps me in failure mode…because my ego survial preconditioning is too scared to take leaps of faith my soul needs (NORTH NODE).
Today I woke up with the thought to see how much I’m earning each day at the job I have at the present time. For 8hrs of work I make (BEFORE TAXES & UNION FEES & GAS) $59.60…NOW That just pissed me off to the point I called in sick to work today. All morning I was just boiling because I now know and can see my education, time, intellegence, and creativity are worth WAY WAY WAY more than $59.60 a day. But I realize that I needed to experience this to see how I was failing to acknowledge my own self worth. Plus I need to feel the tension to move me forward to purse my purpose in life and not just live out of pure survial. All my spiritual soul seeking and new moon wishing about what my purpose is and being valued what I’m worth is manifesting itself. Recognizing it is a BIG step in drawing it closer to it becoming a present state of being.
This site has helped me vent, freak out, and discover some really dark, moldy crap I don’t want or need anymore. Just like you wrote a few weeks ago about pulling your fears out of the closet/basement/under the rugs…you will set yourself free. I say Freak Out girl…freak out with supportive friends…freaking out is healthy and blocks your energy flow.
I do have a shiny silver or should I say golden lining in my story about my ridculously low paying job. I went out to run some errands on 2 opposite sides of town to get ride of things (physical objects )that don’t represent me anymore. I found 2 pairs of pants for $4 dollars, I’ve lost a lot of weight so new pants are a nesscesity these days. I took some gold jewelry to the store to sell it and I made $72!!! I made more money today on my “Sick day” than I would have at work. CRAZY HUH?! The Universe is speaking volumes to me…and to each of us actually!
Sending you lots of Reiki love and light for your quest to be able to fulfill your purpose and survie the freak outs!! Kelly
So I am not at the freaking out stage I am in the “oh shit” stage. I have finally realized what I am suppose to be doing with my life and my purpose now it’s time to take the step…the leap of faith or that great “oh shit” moment. I had asked the universe for signs on my life’s purpose just didn’t think I would get the answer I got but I am ok with it because deep down I always knew the answer – funny how that happens sometimes. But I am going to keep this particular blog for when I have my freaking out moments because I am sure I will have them.
Thank each of you for commiserating and for showing your support!
Freaking out is what I was doing all last week!!! Faith wavered, I yelled at the Universe… then counted my blessings, I was all over the place! I wanted to trump my doubt!! lol
So as you move on this path, with the ups and downs of uncertainty, we can all join you in freaking out every once and awhile
May I freak out with you please Jennifer??! I feel the need recently. I’m making no money of my own at the moment and I’m not even sure I’m supposed to be. I’ve been pushing for a while to find out what I should be doing and I strongly suspect that I still haven’t found my place yet….. except perhaps this doing ‘nothing’ is my place for the moment? How freakish could that be?
For the past four weeks we’ve been learning about Faith in my class with the teens at church. We read the mustard seed story and how it only takes a little bit of faith to do something big. The kids didn’t quite understand that…they thought it should take a lot. My answer was that it just has to be pure faith. If you make a home for doubts in or obsess (which I realized obsessing on something means that all you’re really seeing is the lack of it) than the faith isn’t pure. So freak out, but don’t invite those doubts to sleepover! It’ll all be OK, you have time for something wonderful to happen to bring in some income.
What a wonderful post, Jennifer. I love when you write posts that come straight from your heart and from the cloud of fear that surrounds it.
I am struggling with the same too. For me what works is living life day by day and doing what I feel I must do that day. I keep reminding myself that money is energy and that I need to let that flow where it needs to go in order to serve me best
It is a hard lesson, faith, but once you have it in trumps you can keep going.
What really helps me get myself back in a mood to want to move forward is reminding myself of things that made me smile, that made me feel on top of the world. Comments, thank you notes, even the bill from a restaurant with a personal thank you, all gets saved and when I feel low I just dive into my heart stenciled box and read.
I have little tendency to freaking out, but I have in the past and I do from time to time when things in life frustrate me or I’m faced with the ignorance and insensitivity of others. Jennifer, I think it is fantastic that you have found your passion and the time to write and I’m sure you not only will be successful, but it will lead to other opportunities. The articles on FemCentral have been integral in my personal journey and I value all the information you’ve delivered. FemCentral must be a creation of which you are so proud. I freak out in a small way every day when I go to a job I hate but am too afraid to leave. I have missed or failed at so many opportunities to make a change that I’ve almost given up. I guess when I stop freaking out about it, I will have become completely beaten and numb. At least so long as you are freaking out, you still have passion, feelings and dreams. Thank you for this honest post with which so many people can relate. Perhaps we should all scream from the rooftops today: “I AM MAD/SAD/AFRAID AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!” Or we can just kvetch a out it on Twitter!