Astrological Vacations from Hell

I hope no one minds a little self-deprecating humor? Since we’re focused on the benefits of humor this week, and we’re wrapping up the summer, today I am featuring “vacations from hell,” based on astrological sun sign! (Many signs make cameo appearances in another sign’s vacation. Plus, you might want to read about your rising and moon sign!)

These are excerpted from Darkside Zodiac, by Stella Hyde.

Aries Vacations from Hell

A luxury world cruise with Taurus, Leo, and Libra, you have to throw yourself over the side or die of cabin fever.

A guided tour of anywhere; although you’ve never been there before, you know far more about the place than the guide who’s lived there all his life, and you will not hesitate to say so, loudly.

Anywhere on your own; you’d be lost without a docile pack to boss around and lead into dangerous new pastures.

Taurus Vacations from Hell

Snowboarding with Gemini and Sagittarius; cold, wet, dangerous, unpredictable, and no regular meals.

Anywhere you have not been to before, unless it has been recommended by your Capricorn bank manager, who understands.

Anywhere with Virgo tightwads and Pisces incompetents; you will end up paying for everything because you are the only one with a functioning credit card. [Actually, I know a Taurus who married a Pisces and this describes their honeymoon perfectly. They’re now divorced. – Jennifer]

Gemini Vacations from Hell

A cultural bus tour of ancient ruins with Cancer. You will seize the steering wheel out of sheer boredom and drive over the nearest cliff.

Anywhere with Taurus (absolutely no sense of adventure) or Pisces (you didn’t sign up to babysit).

An out-of-season budget fortnight with Capricorn and Virgo in an unfashionable resort where the sun don’t shine.

Cancer Vacations from Hell

A month in appalling opulence with Leo and Taurus: your every whim catered for, no one you could put under emotional obligation by doing their washing when they’re not looking; you’d be wretched.

A self-improving workshop course with Virgo. You might have to perform your new skill. In public. With everyone watching. Death won’t come quick enough.

Anywhere with your entire family. How can you miss them, and whine about how much better it would be if they were there, if they are there?

Leo Vacations from Hell

An adrenaline-packed adventure vacation with Gemini and Sagittarius; you will ruin your hair.

A far-from-the-madding crown vacation with Aquarius and Scorpio; madding crowds are exactly what you live for – there’ll be no one to impress.

Going camping in Nebraska with parsimonious Virgo and Capricorn; you cannot cope with anything less than five-star luxury.

Virgo Vacations from Hell

Chilling out at a faraway retreat where you cannot plug in a laptop, alongside laid-back Libra; you don’t do relaxing and you know the office would fall apart without your daily data input.

Rio at carnival time with Leo and Gemini; noise, bright colors, fun, potential adventures – far too disorganized.

Anywhere sunny (it brings out the color in everything- or cheap (no scope for cunning, creative budgetry).

Libra Vacations from Hell

Anything with Sagittarius or Gemini that involves walking further than from the lobby to the pool, or carrying anything heavier than your makeup bag.

A wilderness adventure; there are no shops, and there won’t be anyone to flirt with once you’ve seduced your companions, Aquarius and Scorpio.

A working vacation cleaning up the environment with anal-retentive Virgo; you might sweat, break a nail, or look slightly unattractive in overalls.

Scorpio Vacations from Hell

A summer camp, fun-for-all-the-family vacation where you might have to join in, dress up, and look ridiculous.

Spiritual detox at an Oregon ashram where you have to surrender control to a guru (unless on a field trip to pick up hints for a guru-ing career of your own).

“Murder Weekend”; you will know whodunit in 10 seconds and there’s not a minibar in the world big enough to get you through the following 48 hours.

Sagittarius Vacations from Hell

A five-day bus tour of the tulip fields of the Netherlands; shut in a vehicle with the same 5 people going endlessly across flat lands within the speed limit. You’ll empty your hipflask in one.

Self-denial and detox at Virgo’s favorite spa. You’d do it for half a morning, for the experience, then lead the escape party to the nearest ribs shack.

Two weeks in challenge-free hyperluxury with Libra and Taurus; after you have swung from every chandelier in the suite, you get frustrated and bored.

Capricorn Vacations from Hell

A week in Vegas with Sagittarius and Gemini; the sight of all that money being thrown away for fun would scar you for life.

A month in unknown territory with Aries and Pisces (who’s lost); this cuts out a lot of options, because you have a very narrow definition of “known.”

Two weeks in a Danish nudist colony with health –obsessed Virgo; they would have to drug you and cut you out of your clothes with a laser gun.

Aquarius Vacations from Hell

Honeymoon; trapped in an alien cultural construct with someone who evidently expects you to express feelings, and listen to them talk about theirs.

A remote retreat where you see no one; how can you be withdrawn, weird, and wacko if there are no conventional straights to compare and contrast with?

A Science Fiction Convention; thronged by thousand who really shouldn’t wear tight lycra; the rest of the zodiac think this is just up your street, so of course, you keep away.

Pisces Vacations from Hell

Anywhere that you have to come back from by the same route you went (or anywhere you have to come back from at all) – interferes with drifting.

Anywhere that does not have an alcohol or controlled substance du pays.

Anywhere with your family; they make constant demands on your time, and for some reason everyone gets mad when you leave the kids on the bus…

 Remember! My astrology rates go up on September 23!