How being my own best Valentine saved my sanity

Last year, for Valentine’s Day, I made a vlog entitled, “How to Be Your Own Best Valentine.” When I made this vlog, I’d been learning, over the previous two years, the importance of treating MYSELF like my own best friend; of the importance of “dating myself” by spending time alone, learning more about ME, and doing things that made me feel special.

But, lately, I’ve gotten away from my daily alone time. And, I haven’t made time to pamper myself. I argued that I needed to save money, that I was too busy, that I was now quite centered and healed, and didn’t need the daily dose of “me time.”

The past few weeks, I’ve been hearing a tiny voice urging “get a massage.” A massage? Who has the time or money for that? Sure, I used to do it on a regular basis but that’s when I had a job for someone else, getting a regular salary – when I wasn’t spending 60-80 hours a week working for myself. Nope. No time.

But, the tiny voice became a big voice. Then, it was SCREAMING – GET A MASSAGE!

Just this past Friday, I had a freak candle accident. A candle in my bathroom burned too brightly; the wax started pouring out and went straight down the drain of the sink. The wax cooled almost immediately, and formed a plug that fit the pipes perfectly! I had to turn off the water, disassemble the pipes, and scrape the mess out with a knife.

I’m a very symbolic person, and when something bizarre like this happens, I always look for a deeper meaning. I asked my facebook and twitter followers for their opinions, and we all pretty much came up with the fact that I was working too hard, and it was blocking my spirituality and creativity.

Saturday morning, I spilled coffee on my keyboard (still doesn’t work right), and a friend suggested that MAYBE I needed to get out of the house! I agreed. And, I scheduled a massage for that afternoon!

Since my son was visiting his dad for the weekend, I made an evening out of “me time.” After the massage, I got ice cream. And, I went to a movie that was rated R! (Seems like anything I see in the theaters these days is an animated kid’s film.) When I got home, I meditated. And oh, the thoughts that came up.

Three years ago, when I was going through a “rough patch”, I decided to see a therapist. She introduced me to the concept of “internalized voices.” We all have them, and they as are unique to us as our childhoods. Most people have internalized the voices of their parents, teachers, siblings – anyone who was influential to their early development. Some internalized voices are positive. Some are not. As I learned from visualizations in therapy – mine are most definitely NOT POSITIVE.

See I have a pretty persistent voice in my head that criticizes me CONSTANTLY. I know to whom this voice belongs, which helps me to understand it, at least. It doesn’t help it to go away, however. To do that, I need to be aware of when it is chattering on. I can’t argue with it (that makes it worse) BUT I can do things that demonstrate to myself that I don’t agree with it. Pampering myself, for instance, demonstrates that I think I deserve to be treated with love and respect.

When I meditated last Saturday night, it was that condescending voice that came out loud and clear. Did it pop back up because I’d gotten out of the habit of treating myself like “my own best friend”? Or, because I hadn’t spent time in meditation, and therefore, wasn’t aware of it?  Perhaps. Probably.

But, what I found most fascinating is that even though, the past few weeks, I had not been conscious of this critical voice, my mind had TRAINED ITSELF to handle it by doing something special, just for me. I’d been hearing that small voice, “get a massage,” which turned into an internal scream “GET A MASSAGE!”, most likely, because at some level, I was registering the critical voice, and knew that pampering was a way to “fight” it.

I’d taught myself a great way to fight off an attack, even an internalized attack, and my defenses came to my rescue, without me even realizing it!

Developing a self and a life that satisfies you

All week I’m providing tips from the book Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself, by Beverly Engel. I’m focusing on part three of the book, “Become a woman of substance: developing a self and a life that satisfies you.” Ms. Engel’s initial advice is to spend at least 15 minutes a day – ALONE.  For some women, this will be very uncomfortable, so it’s important that you make sure to go out of your way to soothe and nurture yourself. During your alone time, try the following exercise to learn the best way in which you can be comforted:

• Write about any childhood memories you have of being comforted and soothed. Who was the person who comforted you the most?
• How did you comfort yourself as a child? Did you have a favorite blanket, pillow, or toy that you used to comfort yourself?
• When you think of self-nurturing, what comes to mind?
• Do you still use the same methods of self-nurturing and comforting you did as a child, or have you developed other ways?
• Do you feel good about the ways you nurture and comfort yourself today, or do you wish you had healthier ways?

What do you do to show yourself love? Do you take the time to treat yourself the way you’d like for others to treat you?