Tip No. 5: Develop your own personal definition of success, instead of society’s

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. – Bill Cosby

Origins of “people-pleasing” behavior

What makes someone so anxious to fulfill other people’s expectations that they end up sabotaging themselves? The typical people-pleaser is someone who lacks an internal compass to gauge the value of their own actions, explains Linda Tillman, a psychologist.

The seeds of people-pleasing are usually planted in childhood, according to Jay Earley, author of Finding Your Life Purpose. “Often, parents will simply tell kids what to do and never encourage them to assert themselves,” he says. “When the kids obey, the parents give them conditional love.”

Such an environment sends a subconscious message to children: The only way to feel valuable is to comply with others’ demands, give others what they need, and “go with the flow.” The pattern only solidifies as children grow up, fearing that if they do not strive to please, people will not love them. They respond to this perceived threat by becoming obsessed with meeting others’ needs. Because girls are typically trained from an early age to accommodate and defer to others, a disproportionate number of people-pleasers are women.

Once established, such behaviors become self-reinforcing which makes them difficult to uproot. They get rewarded by bosses, co-workers, and friends just as they do by parents, prompting pleasers to assume doormat postures over and over again in hopes of receiving more kudos.

But despite the fleeting high of adulation, relentless praise-seeking exacts a heavy toll, warns Hap LeCrone, a psychologist in Waco, Texas. People-pleasers expend so much energy meeting others’ needs that they lose sight of what they want from life. They’re often seized by the disorienting feeling that they’re not in control of their own lives, which leads them to lash out. “People please, please, please, please, and then they explode,” says Earley.

excerpted from “Field Guide to People-Pleaser: May I Serve as Your Doormat” by Elizabeth Svoboda on PsychologyToday.com

What’s a doormat to do?

Therese Borchard made it a New Year’s resolution to become less of a people-pleaser.  In her blog, “To Thy Own Self Be True,” she writes that she is learning to “listen to the voice within me that whispers my truth. Not my husband’s truth, or my daughter’s, or my mother’s. MY truth. How do I go about doing that?

Lynn Robinson’s book, “Listen,” is a good start. She lists the ways you can hear your heart speak. For example, tuning into your enthusiasm or energy (or lack of enthusiasm or energy) on projects can give you an idea of where you want to go. She writes, “When you are doing something you’re excited about, interested in, or energized by, you’re following your guidance within. It’s telling you, ‘Do more of this.’ It’s leading you toward your success and best interests. Conversely, if you’re feeling drained, bored, and anxious, that’s also your intuition.”

Elizabeth Svoboda offers these tips:

Be receptive to others’ concerns, but don’t leave your own by the wayside. How to make sure you’re the one manning the controls.

• Stall for time. If someone puts you on the spot, politely defer: “I’ll check my calendar and get back to you tomorrow.” Then you can assess whether the request fits in with your schedule and goals.
• Examine your motivations. People-pleasing seems like the epitome of niceness, but pleasers may assume their submissive postures because of what they expect in return. If you grant someone a favor, do it because it fulfills you—not to get something back.
• Role-play to practice asserting your needs. Get a friend to play a pushy boss, parent, or acquaintance—whoever triggers your people-pleasing. Then practice saying no to unreasonable requests until it starts to feel natural.

Are you a recovering people-pleaser? (I know I am!) Feel free to share your experiences here.